Mumbai roads suck big time !

When driving in Mumbai you have to make sure that you sit on the edge of your seat since you never know when the next bump will throw your vehicle up in the air and you bang your head on the roof !

Bang your head, jar your spine and (maybe) break your neck - this is a distinct possibility. As real as riding a bike and getting your throat slit by sharp kite string (manjha).

Yes sir, I have had my brush with possible death when I was riding a bike and hit kite manjha - grazed my neck and I immediately reached up to save myself. Cut my hand, grazed my neck, missed my jugular, kept my balance - and I have lived to see many more days of my life.

OK to come back to Mumbai roads - practically every road is uneven whether the road has a tarred surface or is a concrete road. I mean how bad can it get ... a concrete road with an uneven surface. You get a load of bumps as you drive.

Then you arrive at a crossing and you ready yourself like you are walking on glass. Potlholes, uneven surfaces, loose paving blocks and jutting edges - all combining forces to snuff the life out of you or your tyre or wheel-rim or your vehicle.

Trying to save time using one of the 50 odd flyovers that dot the city and you had better slow down when you approach the ramp - the flyover is one step up ! Whoops - you get a nasty bump as your vehicle hits this step which can be anything from 2 or 3 inches to 5 or 6 inches. Imagine the hit you get when you approach at 60 kmph and how bad it is for you and/or your vehicle.

Does this make you wonder about the quality of the work ? Or about the quality of the inspection done by the Project Engineers in the Municipal corporation ? Or about the skills of the engineers who have executed the work ? And about the skills of the contractor ??

To be sure there is a lot of money which changes hands and how else how can one explain the ABSOLUTELY shoddy work that one has to live with day in and day out. Roads in other cities are not sooooo bad and I am talking about Delhi / Hyderabad / Chennai in comparison ! Mumbai is the pits.

While infrastructure does suck why cant we do a good job of whatever we are doing ? Compare with some countries in Africa which are light years behind us in development / economy and we are so bad in terms of quality that it is shameful.

I am going to take some pictures and mark the crap-spots on Google maps... so keep watching for updates.

How to become a Godman and enjoy the "Fruit(s) of the world"

You start a business and to grow it from a one-man show into a big conglomerate it takes years. There are laws and ethics to abide by and so much more. Including taxes to be paid.

Become a Godman and life is easy.

Start by calling yourself a Baba or baby :) ... Male babas should grow a beard and hair and wear a saffron robe - he should look like someone who had just stepped out of the jungle and never owned a comb or razor. Female babis should have neatly combed hair and look clean and pure.

Find a chai stall near home, and become a regular fixture. Keep a hundred rupees to last unpteen cups for a week because (if you are smart) you will become a baba / babi in this period of time.

Make your bio sketch and memorize it - you must be born in a slum or in abject poverty. Your mom could not feed you, your dad beat you, your siblings stole your food, the grocer uncle abused you, the teacher beat you ! Life was a bitch until you ran away into the forest to answer the call you got when you were sleeping (don't elaborate whether the call was physical or metaphysical). And you spent years there living off the land ... and then there was light ! Of course no one has to know that you were a poacher or that you cut trees or whatever you did. And now you have to fulfill your destiny by helping mankind.

Now look around the table at the chai stall and start conversations about how life, boss, biwi, banker etc are evil. Everyone has a trunk full of hassles and these "distressed" people will latch on and talk to you. They need a shoulder to cry on and someone to tell them they are right - which is the sympathy that was not coming from the boss / biwi / bacha etc.

And pander to their vanity.

State the obvious - world is full of nasties, you are pure inside, the world will come to an end soon, forgive everyone, say hello to God, do Yoga, chant "Hello God or Hello World" every time you are stressed.

Hold their hand and tell them their future - it will not always be rosy but will be full of hope. Death is always a decade away (at least). The poor wants good fortune, the rich wants peace of mind. Both are chasing what they already have

So tell the poor guy his promotion will come, he will get a raise or an order or a loan, dame fortune will smile. Prescribe some pooja and havan which you can do for him in private at the banks of the Ganges in Haridwar next week when you are there for a "bhandara". The rich one only needs to slow down but you have to give him a metaphysical solution ! So tell him to keep 5 and a half gold coins under his pillow and a five rupee coin in his underwear when he sleeps - it's a placebo and will help him fight the devils in his dreams - those people he cheated and killed on his way up the corporate / financial ladder.

If someone intelligently questions you, stay away and do not get drawn into an argument. You have to build your practice.

Keep at it and you will get success. Among a hundred people at the tea stall on e will get promoted or win one dollar / hundred rupees in a lottery and you are on your way to success.

If you can find a well endowed (financially) benefactor your work is half done and you will not have to do the chai stall routine.

Once you arrive you will get men and women at your doorstep and they will offer you tan, man and dhan (flesh, soul and money) unconditionally. Take it easy and slowly. Invest in yourself - get facials so that the "glow" on your face increases and you become more "godlike" - in this pursuit keep your "godzilla" tendencies under strict control.

Overseas you will find the NRI community - set our sights on them too - there is a lot of easy pickings available.

The politicians will bring the government machinery at your feet so you can build ashrams anyplace you want - no permissions required. You do not need to pay taxes and can open a number of temples and ashrams.

The businessmen will bring money !

The women.... well what can one say except that there will be more than you can handle. Your assistants will be on a roll too so set strong ground rules.

In short, as you have arrived, you have a lot of fruits to pluck so have fun ! Being a Godman is easy and there are a zillion suckers waiting to be sucked and spat out.

Go forth... milk the suckers and build your empire ! until the day you get caught with your pants down !